so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
