Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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