Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on