I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
