the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
