I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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