Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
