no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
