he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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