Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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