Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
