i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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