I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
