3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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