I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
