Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
