I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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