He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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