I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
