i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
