I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
