how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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