Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
