Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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