remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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