I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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