He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
