I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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