I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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