I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Four minutes until I can fart!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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