saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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