Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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