no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
