hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
