I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
