who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
