Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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