Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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