After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
