i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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