Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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