I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
