So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
