my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
