i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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