I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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