he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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