I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
