There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
this hospital has no fireball
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
