I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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