I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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