I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
