got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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