my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
