Swine flu. Run for my life!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
