He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
