NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
