He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
